Is it healthy to fantasise about dumping your partner?
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We’re often told that having a vivid imagination – not to mention a rich inner life – is a healthy thing. If you’re in a relationship, have you ever fantasised about going it alone? Or, if the single life doesn’t appeal, have you dreamed of being with someone other than your partner? Whatever your train of thought, you may not be alone. A recent survey for the Guardian and TSB by Ipsos Mori has revealed that 23% of people currently involved with someone have, to some extent, thought about breaking up with their significant other in the last 12 months.
However, while 5% of adults (possibly somewhat suspiciously …) preferred not to answer the question, 69% of respondents said that they haven’t considered ending their relationship recently.
And when it comes to our bank accounts, the same is true – we tend to stick with what we’ve got: 72% of us haven’t considered changing current accounts in the past 12 months. But perhaps that too deserves a rethink.
Given the tyranny of choice of the modern age – including the huge range of dating apps where a new partner is just a swipe away – are these findings surprising? And can fantasising about saying sayonara to our significant other ever be a good thing?
Life coach and relationship expert Jennifer Boon is the author Survive & Thrive: Dating and Being Single. She says there is no right or wrong answer to the question. “It’s not about should and shouldn’ts, but about being curious about why you are fantasising about breaking up with your partner in the first place,” she says. In fact, this sort of fantasising may help people think about themselves as individuals: “It’s definitely healthy to think about yourself as a separate entity to your partner, so you can consider your own needs.”
If you’ve ever known couples in a long-term relationship who start to dress alike or share the same mannerisms, your first thought may be: “cute”. After all, togetherness is key for a successful partnership, right? And with phrases like “The couple that plays together stays together” etched into popular consciousness, it’s no wonder that many of us think that the key to romantic happiness is homogeneity.
Beware, says Boon. “It’s really important to think of your own needs in the relationship, otherwise you’ll merge with your partner and lose your identity. That’s when people have affairs and mid-life crises, because they lose their sense of themselves.”
So if you’re idly wondering about life without your partner once in a while – no matter – it may, in the end, even make you appreciate them more. She suggests taking some time to do an activity or hobby you enjoy on your own, or with friends, for example.
“Having time away from the relationship to find out what you need and spending time on your own is definitely healthy – you’re two people, this doesn’t cease just because you’re in a relationship.”
She does, however, caution against detailed and frequent thoughts of breaking up with your partner – so if you find yourself regularly imagining exactly how you’re going to leave your loved one, that may be a red flag. “If you’re having these thoughts, it’s moving in the direction of being acted on,” says Boon. But hopefully this isn’t a reality for most of us – the research also revealed that only 3% of Brits who have ever been in a relationship said they had thought about breaking up with their partner very often or fairly often.
As Boon points out, questioning any relationship can be a positive thing, as it encourages us to stop being complacent and passive, and holds the relationship to account. After all, isn’t it better to be in a situation because you genuinely want to be, rather than because you are scared of change? “Good partners know this, and allow each other breathing space,” says Boon.
Source: The survey was conducted by Ipsos Mori on behalf of the Guardian and TSB. A sample of 1,932 British adults aged 18+ took part in the survey, across England, Scotland and Wales. Fieldwork was conducted using a face-to-face CAPI method, and took place between the 8 and 20 of December 2017. Data has been weighted to known population figures for Great Britain.
guardian.co.uk © Guardian News & Media Limited 2010
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